The voices of aging childless men need to be heard. I've noticed that most of the material online focuses on women, but what about men who would have liked to be fathers?
In this article, I focus on the journeys of three childless men aged 55 and over.
I highlight their experiences, their fears, their doubts and their joys.
So I invite you to explore this vein with me. Because that's what it is all about. A vein of unique and non-conformist experiences.
Happy exploring!
Why not become a father?
There are many reasons why participants did not become fathers.
A first participant claims that it is because of his sexual orientation and the denial of it in the context of his time:
"Back then [in the 80s], when you were gay, having children was not an option. Unless you were really brave and determined."
If he were seventeen today, becoming a father would be part of his life plan. He admits to feeling a little jealous when he sees young gay couples today adopting children or using surrogate mothers.
A second participant believes that he did not become a father by choice or due to life circumstances. Indeed, he has been in relationships with women who did not want or were unable to have children.
"For me, love was more important than having children, the love of a partner. If you don't want children, it's not a criterion. When you stay ten years with someone who doesn't want children, it's a need that you've put aside."
This participant's diagnosis of bipolar disorder also made him hesitant to have children.
The third participant married young and his wife's medical problems prevented the couple from having children.
“God didn’t allow us to have children, why adopt?”
This participant was also afraid of adopting because some of his parents' friends had bad experiences. The adopted girls, when they came of age, demanded their possessions and assets be returned to them and left.
Social pressure to start a family
One participant felt pressure to start a family and even more pressure to be heterosexual.
"I was raised like a good Gino Camaro, a macho man. My father wanted to make me a standard little hockey player. I was raised in that mold. When I was young, I wasn't particularly nice to guys who were too effeminate. They pushed me around too much, they bothered me."
A second participant expressed that he didn't feel any family pressure: "If you're in love, that's what's important." And as a baby boomer, he felt that many other people didn't have children. The pressure came more from work and the Catholic Church when he was involved in social ministry.
"But the pressure was like being on a duck's back. I'm a nonconformist. I had a ready-made answer. My wife and I are a little too old for that."
Grief of having a child
Two participants had to mourn the loss of children.
One participant emphasized that undergoing therapy to accept his sexual orientation helped him accept not having children.
A second participant said that immigrating to Canada helped him come to terms with his loss: "It's like starting a new life."
For the third participant, it wasn't so much a grief because it increasingly became a choice.
The advantages of not having children
According to two participants, not having children reduces daily constraints.
It also reduces the relational complexity that can arise between a child and their parent.
Not having children means being able to think more about yourself, being freer, and being more committed to your career. It means being able to indulge yourself more financially and having fewer sources of worry. It also means having more time for other pursuits: taking care of your aging parents, working for your partner's company, organizing events for gay men, or doing housework.
A third participant also claims to have been more available in his professional life and currently takes the time to cook meals for his working wife: "I'm like the man at home."
The disadvantages of not having children
On the other hand, according to one participant, not having children takes away meaning from life.
“Having children adds a lot of meaning to one's life. When you don't have children, you have to focus on other things. You have to feel useful elsewhere and in other ways.”
Focusing on someone else's existence brings meaning to life.
"I remember spending Christmases and thinking, 'You don't care about anyone. You care about yourself.' Maybe my Christmases would have been more interesting if there had been little ones to watch marveling at."
Not having children also creates a problem of continuity, in the sense that no one continues after you and you don't know who to pass on your life experience to.
"It's sad for the legacy, what you're going to go through, but there are ways to do it. My legacy is sharing and solidarity."
Moreover, when family life is balanced, it tends to balance other spheres of occupation.
Old age without children
Old age without children can be made easier by helping friends.
"A good part of our network is gay. We say we're going to buy a big house and help each other out. We look at the youngest in the group and joke that he's the one who's going to change diapers."
For this same participant, growing old without children creates a sense of injustice. In the sense that there will be no one to take care of him, except for public health services and CHSLDs, which are not reassuring. In the context of staff shortages, he fears finding himself with inexperienced employees.
“I watched my mother when she was dying in a rehabilitation center. It was during the pandemic. She had a bag for her stool, she was completely lost, she was ripping the bag off. The attendants would come into her room, two 19-year-old girls, they would freeze. They weren't ready and didn't know how to handle the situation. My mother was in their hands. It doesn't make sense.”
Finding a way to end one's life was discussed as a way to avoid ending up in a situation that makes no sense.
For this same participant, only meeting a kind soul and finding himself in the right center at the right time gives him hope for a fulfilling old age.
On the other hand, this participant also fears the cognitive losses associated with aging: "I use the One Safe app for all my web accounts and passwords. I live with a geek. So there's not a single light bulb that doesn't talk to another light bulb. There are updates to be done. What are we going to do when we're senile?"
When we don't have children, we can't call them to help us with our cognitive difficulties.
If you don't have children, you must also have an executor: "A niece from my wife's side and a niece from my side."
Define the meaning of one's life differently
Because he didn't have children, one participant decided to become politically active and volunteer. He constantly strives to be a better person.
"I have this mentality that the better you become as a person, the more you shine to the people around you. It's a mantra I tell myself."
He also travels, goes to the theater, and watches dance performances. He has made friends through cultural life. He paints and would like to organize a private viewing one day.
“When I paint, I know I’m good. I’m on my X.”
A second participant defined the meaning of his life through work (particularly in an integration company, daycare), social involvement (Quebec Association for Retirees' Rights, Ahuntsic-Cartierville Environment Movement) and studies (theology, social pastoral care, Italian history).
For the third participant, work and sport give meaning to his life.
What's interesting is that for two participants, spirituality helps them give meaning to their lives. Spirituality helps them avoid remaining on the surface of things.
"Today, spirituality is no longer about religious nonsense. It's about truly giving meaning to your life. I go to Mass, I take what I need: the Eucharist, meditation, prayer."
One participant says he's reading a book by Buddhist monk Mathieu Ricard and it's doing him a lot of good. It's gentle, wise, and coherent.
"As I get older, I realize that it's very important, whether you're Catholic or secular, that you be consistent. Say what you think and do what you say."
The third participant is involved as a church warden: "We are practicing Catholics and we go to mass."
The support network
Cultivating a good support network can help you face childless old age with greater peace of mind. This could include your spouse, close friends, and less close friends.
When you don't have children, your spouse provides a significant amount of support:
"My relationship with my partner is a hugely positive aspect of my life, but if something happens to him, I'm in deep shit."
On the other hand, we can very well have a good support network around us, but not seek this support during difficult times.
For the second participant, his wife's love is an essential support: "Not having children is not an obstacle to our love. She has always looked at what I can do, my potential, and that is incredible."
There is also his close family (brother, sister, nephews and nieces) on whom he can count, as well as his very supportive neighborhood.
"My alley is called Friendship Alley. Eighty of us have shared our email addresses. So we exchange favors, we do spring cleaning, we have a corn roast, we have a Saint-Jean-Baptiste parade with the children. There are about fifty children. It's really rural here. It's a real quality of life here in the alley. And what's fun is that it's not invasive."
For the third participant, his family and that of his wife provide him with significant moral support, which in some way compensates for the absence of children.
"Let's pick up the phone, how are you? Let's go out, let's go to my sister-in-law's, let's have a little drink together."
The presence of significant children
One participant says he doesn't have any toddlers around him. Instead, he has a few children who have grown up and are now young adults (nephews, friends' children). He has fun and laughs a lot with his partner's nephews. He has good relationships and makes plans with them (trips, hiking, camping, dinners).
These relationships are meaningful to this participant and give them a sense of usefulness:
“My partner's nephew texted me at night saying, 'You're the only one I can talk to. Can I call you?' It really touched me. I realized I was important to someone."
The second participant, who has worked extensively with young people, says he feels very comfortable around children. His nephew, his wife, and their three children are important to him, but COVID-19 has significantly restricted his contact with them. There are also his partner's nephews, who are now young adults.
For the third participant, although the absence of children creates a void, the presence of nephews and nieces soothes this wound.
"I have nephews, I treat them like my own children. They come to sleep here. We go out together. I even have a nephew who is very attached to us."
Or again
"I have a niece who comes over every two weeks. She brings her chess set. She says, 'Come on, I'll show you how to play chess.' They're really adorable. The little one calls me the bad wolf."
Inspiring childless men
One participant admires his brother, who did not have biological children but always took care of his girlfriends' children.
"It's not directly his children, but that doesn't prevent him from giving them affection, support, and guidance. I find that admirable."
On a social level, this participant admires Michel Tremblay. This childless Quebec playwright made enormous contributions to both theatre and literature.
Apart from Jesus and Matthew Ricard, the second participant does not admire single men without children.
The third participant admires French President Emmanuel Macron. Despite the issue of being childless, he believes there are many single men and that society must help them.
The place of the childless elderly man in society
According to one participant, we should not only value people who have children.
"I don't like it when people talk about family values. Family Day, are my boyfriend and I a family? Can we go to the park? It excludes certain people. Family Day, who has the right to go and who doesn't? An aging man who doesn't have children and who goes to the park for Family Day, I don't know if anyone would look at him askance. What's he doing there? What is a family?"
The second participant also believes that older men without children should be more valued, especially in churches.
"In churches, it's mainly for families, but singles are zero. Yet, their churches are full of singles. But they don't talk about it. Yes, I think it could be more emphasized."
The cultural aspect
On the other hand, I found that for immigrant participants, not having had children is a bit of a taboo. In fact, they don't dare to discuss this topic with their wife because they don't want to hurt her feelings. I hypothesize that this reserve is less prevalent among non-immigrant Quebecers.
Conclusion
There are many reasons for non-fatherhood. In most cases, as with women, mourning is necessary, unless it is a choice.
There are as many advantages as disadvantages to not having children. Old age, however, is a significant disadvantage.
The three participants interviewed each found alternative ways to give meaning to their lives in their own way. Spirituality is central to the lives of two participants.
All in all, all three participants are well supported, and their nieces and nephews play a key role, but this is not necessarily the case for all childless men.
According to one participant, childless men should have concrete support in the community. Some sort of association where they could meet and talk to each other.
Just like the childless women's movement , created by Catherine-Emmanuelle Delisle, which brings together women without children due to life circumstances or by choice.
So when will the childless men's movement come?